my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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