Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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