1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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