the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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