Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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