How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
