this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
