my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
