I just cut my nipple shaving
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
