He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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