hell yes lets make some ravioli
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
