Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
