dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
