he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
