singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
