i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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