I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
