My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
