Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
