Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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