Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
