I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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