Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
