I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need mimosas to revive my soul
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
