Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
