Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
