I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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