Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
