Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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