i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
