An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
