Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
