Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
