I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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