Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My friends, they love my intelligence
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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