I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
