I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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