hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize