The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
