Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
