Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
be right there i have to get my cape
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
