then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
