She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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