Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
