sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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