I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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