I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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