last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
