as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
