i wish starbucks made bloody marys
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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