wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Drunk is a universal language darling
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
